No Fair!
by malfoyelf
Summary: CHAPTER 2 UP! Sauron is jealous of everyone's fangirls and wants some of his own. But how? Anything's better than orcs in wigs, but was an evil flaming eyeball meant to have female fans? Please RR!
1. The Legolas Inquisition

Chapter 1  
  
A/N: No! This is not another one about fangirls taking over M-E, etc. It's different! So read and REVIEW!!  
  
Disclaimer: All credit should be given to the ingenious JRR Tolkien. I do not own anything LotR related, (well...excluding my posters, movies, books and such. Oh yeah! It IS my plot, yay!), the evil floating, fiery, eyeball that is Sauron (thank god!!), or any fangirls (phew!).  
  
So here it is! It's coming! It's still coming! Wait for it..NOW!!  
  
Sauron, dark overlord of Mordor, was lonely, to say the very least. Sure, he had thousands upon thousands of soldiers waiting to do his bidding, but no one to keep him company. Most people don't know this, but it's HARD being an evil flaming eyeball. It's makes simple conversation extremely difficult and along with the fact that everyone he did try to communicate with was always groveling, it made it damn near impossible.  
  
So when he found out about the existence of fangirls, how they practically throw themselves at you just to look at them and how every single one seems to have convinced themselves that they're going to be your future wife, he was ecstatic. (Although he failed to see how very similar they were to his minions; all merely hungry for social power.)  
  
*But how to get a hold of some of these strange creatures. Hmmmm...* Sauron thought. Well, it was very obvious that the one with the most fangirls was Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. *But being evil and all I highly doubt that this elf would just give away his secrets to being a fangirl god. But what does he have that I don't?*  
  
A mental image of Legolas popped into the Dark Lord's head. *It's not the political influence, 'cuz ask anyone and I'm sure that they'd tell you that I, cruel ruler of all of Mordor and soon to be the entire of Middle Earth have much more power than a puny little elf prince from a stupid insignificant forest. Then what?!* Sauron was starting to get frustrated, and consequently several orc guards near by exploded.  
  
*Something has come to my attention. That stuff on his head, what is it? I shall contact that sniveling man of white, what was his name? Oh yes! Saruman!*  
  
Sauron retrieved his palantír, (well. . .the thing more came to him).  
  
"Come on, come on! Pick up!" (rrrriiing. . .rrrriing. . .rrrriing) *Ugh, the Ring. I forgot about that. Oh well, I'll deal with that later!* "Why have one of the Seven Seeing Stones if you're not even gonna answer?!"  
  
(Click. . .) "Hello? Sauron? What can I do for you, My Lord?" Came the head and voice of Saruman.  
  
"Well, you can answer your friggin' palantír for one!"  
  
"I'm sorry, oh, Evil One. I was preoccupied building an army for me. . . I mean YOU!! Yes, yes! An army for you, the Dark Lord! Heh, heh, heh. . ."  
  
"Oh, shut it, you babbling fool! I don't care about that now!"  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No! Now tell me, what is that stuff on your head? The white flowy stuff?"  
  
"What, this?" Saruman asked, confused. He pointed to his hair.  
  
"No." Said Sauron sarcastically. "I meant your nose. Of course that you idiot!"  
  
"Why, it's hair, my lord."  
  
"Thank you. That'll be all." (Click. . .) He hung up.  
  
*Oh, I forgot something!* (rrriing. . .)  
  
"Sir? Is there something else I can help you with?"  
  
"Yes. How can I get some of this, what was it, hair?"  
  
"Um, might I suggest a wig, Your Evilness?"  
  
"A wig? Of course! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!" (Click. . .)  
  
*But how can I make my wig? I know!*  
  
"Guard!" An orc entered, carrying a large spear. He grunted as he entered.  
  
"Fetch me ten of your men." The orc grunted again.  
  
He brought them in. They zoomed into the air towards Sauron and rested over him, looking like crude, screaming cornrows.  
  
"Well, I don't feel any different. I don't hear the screaming of desperate teenaged girls either." *Wait! Maybe the wigs aren't for me, they're for them!*  
  
"Fetch me ten wigs, Guard!"  
  
He returned carrying something that looked like it was just pulled from a troll's shower drain, (if they bathed, that is). The guard placed a wig on each orc's head and returned, with a blonde one for himself.  
  
"No. It's just not the same." In a second all ten of them were incinerated. *It was kinda disgusting. Yuck!* The guard walked out of the room, still wearing his wig.  
  
A/N: So what do you all think? Does it suck? Please review and tell me your thoughts. Oh, the *s mean that is what he was thinking, if you didn't catch that. PLEASE REVIEW!! 


	2. Clear Eyes

I'm finally back! Sorry for the wait. What can I say? I'm lazy. Well, also rather busy. That's a good one, I'll use that. Ok, to reward ya'll for your patience I will... continue! Very kind of me, don't ya think?  
  
draekon: thank you so much for being my first reviewer! Means a lot to me. And I'm sorry I didn't consult with you about thinking up the idea first, truly am. But I hope you like this next chapter even though you didn't write it! Thank you!  
  
Artemis71: well wait no longer! The next part is here!  
  
Adalia Glenys: thank you, if you hadn't noticed I fixed it immediately. Although I cannot spell for the life of me I am very annoyed when things get misspelled, especially by me. I shall watch that word from here on out!  
  
Vi1: it is true, you are a fangirl. And for that you shall be incinerated! (haha! I spelled it right!) *puff* oh crap, I already wasted today's on my teacher. But tomorrow. . .  
  
Karijn Aska Shangel: I apologize, I was unaware of a different type of fangirl: Sauron fangirls! Well, I guess I learned my lesson, for another angry Sauron fangirl reviewed too. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
The Yellow Dart: hmmmm. . . you sound familiar. For that you get. . . A COOKIE! (that just so happens to be poisonous)  
  
Nadra: ahhhh, the talk of a true fangirl. I will not incinerate you (yes! I spelled it right AGAIN!) because of your very impressive knowledge of Tolkien. And yes, I am aware that he wasn't always an eyeball, but right now he is, ha! Jk, but I appreciate your review!  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Very good suggestion, and yay! I learned something new and worthwhile! (not like that crap they call "math") I think I will write about that. And that does make since, the whole orc thing. You must forgive me, I was confused and I didn't want to put in stuff that does not work for middle earth the way Tolkien describes it. (well, some. . . beings may be a BIT OOC, but not much! Hehe, lol) Thank you for reviewing! (oh yeah, I really like your artwork! I just checked it out, very awesome).  
  
Capricorn Chaos: ummm, thanks for the constructive criticism?  
  
Hirilnara: oooo, subliminal messaging! Personally, I like superluminal! (hey you! Join the navy! Ok!) it is weird that your review makes me want to eat a donut?  
  
Isilhen: thank you! *blushes* don't worry, I think it'll be a happy ending. But happy for who? Thanks again!  
  
Chapter 2: But That Doesn't Mean my Eyes will Soon be Turning Red  
  
Sauron was going mad. His plan for total domination of Middle Earth was going great and all but he was still fangirl-less. (A/N: to his knowledge, sorry to all fanatic supporters of Sauron! But he has not recognized you.)  
  
*This is NOT FAIR! Everyone has fangirls, even that short one! And his feet are hairy!*  
  
But fear not, Sauron's next idea did not include using orcs as makeshift feet. No, he would do something even dumber.  
  
Cologne!! Just kidding.  
  
He called his optometrist! Yes, Sauron, the dark-lord of Mordor, had an optometrist. Because while comparing himself to the furry midget he figured something:  
  
Frodo=blue eyes  
  
Frodo=lots'o'fangirls  
  
Therefore,  
  
Lots'o'fangirls= blue eyes  
  
HAHA!!!! He had figured it out!! It was so simple. . .  
  
But there was one problem, his eye was red. Sure, red was great for intimidation and all around evil-ness, but it didn't attract the ladies. Well, not the human ones anyway. Who wants female orc fangirls? He'd tried that earlier.  
  
[flashback]  
  
Sauron addressed all of Mordor. All creatures looked up obediently.  
  
"I want fangirls." His voice boomed. "And they MUST be fanGIRLS, I don't swing that way."  
  
He was answered by several "oh, man!"s and then the same number of small explosions caused by "accidental" orc combustion.  
  
"Ahem, anyway," he continued, "I want all female orcs to step forward."  
  
About an eighth of the workers approached the tower.  
  
"I said female!" Cried Sauron, then taking a closer look, said, "oh. Oh! Heh heh, ummm. . . thank you. . . errrrr. . . back to work!"  
  
[end flash back]  
  
Sauron shuddered.  
  
He then called forth his eye doctor. A crude, short and ugly man walked in. He was hunchbacked, had one eye, no teeth, several large warts on his large hooked nose, ghastly ear hair, bad breath, visible veins covered his arms and legs, a pink hat, a pegleg, and smelled like month old garbage. Yes, truly disgusting. He was followed by the optometrist, Dr. Stein.  
  
"Good day, Sauron, sir. What can I do for you?" Asked the doctor.  
  
"Eww! What is that thing?"  
  
"Oh this? Why it's my assistant! 23 and already in the world of science."  
  
"Kill it kill it!!!"  
  
"Umm, ok." Replied the doctor, who then turned on the grotesque assistant, took the knife handed to him by the guard, and drove it into him. "Ok, now what can I do for you?"  
  
"Errr. . ." Sauron watched as the guard dragged the body out of the room. "I was thinking about getting contacts."  
  
"But sir, you don't wear glasses!"  
  
"I know that! I mean the color kind! Blue."  
  
"Sir, if you have red, dry eyes use 'Clear Eyes.'"  
  
Sauron just stared, (which he's pretty good at doing!)  
  
"Umm, ok, but it'll take a few da-" Sauron's flames grew. "-ays I mean hours! Heh, just a couple of hours. I'll bring them. . . well, one by later and let you try it on." The optometrist left the room.  
  
A board meeting with the evil forces and a donut break later Sauron's contact lens was ready. He tried it on.  
  
"How do I look?" He questioned the jittery doctor.  
  
"Great great! Very nice! Yes, blue definitely suits you!"  
  
"Good. Now I-" Sauron paused, "Someone just called. Hold on."  
  
The image of a nervous Halfling appeared. It was Pippin.  
  
Sauron, confused, yet slightly amused, looked at the hobbit and almost started to laugh.  
  
Pippin had a pained expression on his face.  
  
*Good* thought Sauron *this contact is sooo blue it brings fear into the heart of a midget! Bwahaha!*  
  
But Pippin was not in pain from a fear of any sort, for he burst out laughing.  
  
"What?" Shouted Sauron. "What's so funny? I'm evil! Quake before me!"  
  
"Pansy!" is all that little Pippin could say between fits of laughter. He then hung up.  
  
Sauron was perplexed. What did he mean by "pansy"? And why is Mordor blue? And why- "AAAAAGH!" he roared when it hit him: the contact lens, of course!  
  
"You!" His gaze fell upon the doctor. "You made me look like a fool in front of a midget!"  
  
"Errr, I think the correct term is 'little person.'"  
  
"I don't care! Whoever it is thinks I'm weak now!" Then quieter, "he'll probably tell all his short friends."  
  
"Uhhh, your unholyness? If it helps, women like a sensitive guy." Tried the doctor.  
  
"Quiet you!" The doctor was engulfed by a giant ball of fire, and when it disappeared all the was left was ashes.  
  
Sauron removed the contact lens and placed in the over sized lens holder, just in case.  
  
A/N: ok, sorry, couldn't help the Ben Stein reference. I had to. Well, It's finally updated! It only took me seven months! Nevertheless, it's here, so please review! And also, you've probably noticed that it got kinda gory in this chapter. Sorry if you don't like that kind of stuff, but it's fun to write! 


End file.
